Bullshit RPG: The Story Begins

Hey guys, I'm unfortunately a scrub and should have included this before/included it in the character creation.
I'll continue without this information for the initial post and edit it in later, but please update your character sheets (via google drive) with the following information.

In the Bio Section:
- Height
- Defining Features (please include at least skin color, hair color, eye color, and any facial feature that stand out)

Sorry about this oversight.
In addition, please be aware that I've changed a few things in your character sheet under items. I've also changed the document names to that of your characters

Bullshit RPG: Genesis
We begin our journey in a perfectly square cave that seems to be around the size of a large room, lit by torches along its walls. An assortment of weapons line the walls of the cave where there would be empty space otherwise, not hung up by any sort of contraptions, but rather just floating on the walls. These include one handed swords, one handed axes, one handed hammers, two handed swords, two handed axes, two handed hammers, spears, bows, shields, daggers, wands, staves, and shields. Towards the bottom of these walls are bins filled with metal, leather, and wooded sets of armor. Strewn beside these bins are rough hide packs.
In the center of the cave, there exists a well crafted square fire-pit with a fire burning in the center without the use of wood or any type of fuel.

Suddenly four beings suddenly appear, sleeping around the fire:
- A young man man of higher than average height and a pale complexion that seems to be in his later teens lies flat on his back, his arms by his sides. Around his nether region and hips, this man wears only a loincloth. He sleeps under a bearhide blanket and has two bottles of fine vodka, a hand shovel, some garbage bags, and a pooper-scooper by his head. His head bears a head of black hair of which is fairly standard medium length; and he has a fine mustache above his lips.
- A bald man of average height and a strange green/black skin color lies seemingly naked under a blanket. It is difficult to tell his age. He sleeps with his hands meeting in the center of his chest and a mysterious smile on his face. strewn out around him are a ballgag, jars of peanut butter and petroleum jelly, an assortment of coins, and a half used roll of duct tape.
- A relatively short young woman of a pale complexion that seems to be in her early 20s lay on her side. She wears a hooded cloak, that seems to be made of a fine cloth, covering what she may be wearing underneath. A few strands of white neck length hair poke out of her hood and on her finger, a fancy signet ring can be seen. beside her rests a leather pack with a copper frying pan hanging off of it.
- A slightly shorter than average middle aged man with skin of an brown hue lay with his limbs strewn about as he sleeps. He seems to emit a strange stench that can only be described as dank. He seems to be wearing green cargo pants and a loosely fitting grey T-shirt under a large leather jacket. a large mass of chest hair pops out of his collar and there is a noticeable bulge on the lower left side of his jacket. The man also has a large black afro and a large nose. Along his hairy arms are strands of scars.

The young man wearing nothing but a loincloth wakes up (Zhu Yang, you may act).


(make up your own backstories of how you ended up here if you wanna talk about that shiet. Just be sure to include that you blacked out and ended up here before you knew it or fell asleep wherever and ended up here)

If you are reading this and wish to join in on this bullshit, create a character following the rules and shit which can be found in this thread.
We can work a way for you into the story.

Loincloth man wakes up, startled, and examines his strange new surroundings (any entrances or exits to the square room?)

Why was he here in this room? Who were these people sleeping on the floor? Where did this vodka come fro-

He chugs a bottle of vodka.

Ah, that's better. His mind is clear now. He can see that he must investigate how on Earth this WELL CRAFTED FIRE PIT can burn without wood! Why, it is better crafted than the fires they made back in MOTHER RRRRRRRRRRUSSIA.

Perhaps it would burn even better with fuel? He dumps his remaining bottle of vodka into the fire and starts throwing the torches, wooden armor sets, and weapons into the pit

As the man in the loincloth wakes, he notices that it feels quite chilly.
He takes as several sets of torches, wooden armor sets, and weapons from the walls/bins and begins funnelling them into the fire in the middle of the room. The fire begins engulfing the items and the fire rises. The room also noticeably gets warmer.
The portions of the wall that have been recently emptied remain as such for a few moments before the same type of weapons that were taken from the wall  (not the exact same weapons) suddenly appear on the walls again.

"OH SHIT, INFINITE ENERGY!" the loincloth man exclaims.

"This...this is an incredible discovery!" in his excitement, he bounds up and down, head almost touching the ceiling, and then shakes the young woman in the hooded cloak.

"Girl, girl, you must wake up! We are on the edge of power beyond our wildest dreams. Join me, and we shall conquer the world in the name of pierogi."

The man in the loincloth shakes the woman.
As the woman wakes up, the first things to catch her vision are a crouched young man with violet blue eyes, wearing nothing but a loincloth, shaking her shoulder and a huge bonfire behind him. The young man's face isn't too close, but his breath reeks of alcohol.

(Decided to repost this due to being on my phone at the time and has spelling errors & such. also did the required edits to character sheet)

As she is shaken awake she yawns rubbing the sleep from her eyes. As she starts to wake up she takes a full minute to look at the man shaking her, a dumb struck look on her face, before mumbling. "Did Marie hire strippers last night or something?" She takes a quick look around the room. "Though I gotta say this is a very odd place to have strippers... and company for that matter."

She slowly gets up, pulling her cloak around her for warmth and walks over to the walls of items and looks them over for anything interesting looking.

As the woman opens her eyes, she reveals her emerald green eyes which immediately dart over to the items on the walls.
As she walks over to the items, it is apparent that the items are all of the same make and model, being made of iron and oak wood. Nothing in particular stands out.

Suddenly a voice sounds from above.
"WAKE UP"

Everyone is now awake.
As the man with the afro wakes up, he reveals two small beady brown eyes.
It can also be seen that the bald man has a set of red eyes with dark sclera.

The mysteriously smiling man's sedate slumber is interrupted by this rude awakening. The blanket rises as air is taken in. A single bass wave beat sounds out as his eyelids flash open. He immediately jumps to his feet with astonishing agility. The blanket falls away to reveal that he was indeed not wearing clothes and yet is also not quite naked. The rest of his lanky body has a similar greenish black hue that given a second glance does not look at all like human skin.

"N-NANI?!" he exclaims, rapidly swiveling his head around to take in the surroundings while gathering his possessions close.
"Akak vo- Wha- What realm is this?" His voice is thin and reedy.
He looks over the baseless fire, then the wall of floating weapons. His eyes zero in on the wands.
"Wow. M-magicks! Magicks everywhere!"
He scampers over to the wall, grabs a pack, and starts stuffing wands into the pack along with his possessions.

As the man stuffs his pack with wands, he notices that the wands seem to go deeper than the pack's height as though vanishing through some sort of portal. After stuffing in 3 wands, he hears a voice in his head say "your one handed weapons inventory is full",
As he attempts to shove a 4th wand into the pack, some invisible force keeps him from stuffing the wand into the pack.

He clenches his teeth. "N-no! I must have MOAR!!" He attempts to use any and all magics at his disposal to expand his inventory space.

"Man, what the hell puto. I was just havin mi siesta, que mal."

A brownish man with a large afro, and many scars comes to his senses.
Instead of doing anything productive, he pulls a strange dank smelling package outta his jacket, but is dismayed to discover that he lost his zippo in transition.

"Aw mierda, there's a fuego right dere! Hahaha."

Aribtrarius Maximus, also known as Jose, wraps a joint with sum paper and gets lit.

"Aww shiet, das duh life, amigos."

He grabs the stuff that is defined in his inventory sheet, and walks up to the bald man who is fervently stuffing his sacks, and stuffs the joint into his mouth.

"Oi, amigo. You look like you need to chill. This ain't Dora the explorer."

The woman, Emmilia, jumps slightly at the voice and looks around for it's source. Seeing none she grabs an elm staff off the rack along with some leather armor, a rapier and a knife. After carefully packing her gear in her bag she turns to everyone else who is in the room and look them over. "Well this sure is a bit of an odd bunch we have here, so which one of you is the ventriloquist?"

The bald man uses earth magic to pummel rock into the bag and wind magic to blow air into it in an attempt to enlarge it, but finds that the rock and wind seem to be going into the bag but not hitting the bag itself. As he tries to shove another wand into his pack, he hears the same voice inside his head "your one handed weapons inventory is full".

The scarred Spanish speaker pulls a nug out of the dank bag and grinds it up in his herb grinder. Although he only has standard rolling papers, he decided that he wanted to roll a blunt, so he rolled a blunt. Licking the ends of the rolling papers that is definitely not made of tobacco paper, he could taste the familiar tobacco taste of a blunt wrap. When he smoked the end product, he could feel the familiar smoke of combined tobacco and marijuana enter his lungs.

The woman is unable to find an elm staff, as it seems that everything is made of oak, so she grabs an oak staff instead. Although she can't seem to find anything that would technically classify as a rapier, she finds the thinnest sword she can as well as a dagger. Similar to the bald man's experience, she finds that the items seem to vanish into some sort of portal as opposed to physically going into the bag when she packed her items into her bag although she packed the items into her own bag as opposed to one of the bags strewn about the room.

"Nyarrg! No!" The bald man shouts in exasperation. He then realizes there's a joint in his mouth.
"s...SMOKE UP!!!" He takes a long drag, which calms him down somewhat.

"Ayy, very good, very good..."

He shakes his head while making a gargling sound, and rubs his hands together as smoke dribbles away from his face.

At Jose's mention of that celebrated animated cultural icon, a huge grin spreads across the man's face as he recalls a rather unsavory song about her.

In response to Emmilia's question, his voice echoes from the opposite corner of the room. "nYesss! It's, it'same! I'm the ventriloquist!"
Still grinning, the man's head turns around to look at....the other people. "But, but, it is only one of my m-many talents."
As his body twists to follow his head, he swirls his star-coated blanket around him like a cape.

"For I am the one and only Mistah Magyyk Man, magician extraordinaire!"

His 'skin' becomes a bright violet, the most magical color of all. Mistah Magyyk Man licks his lips.

"Now...who wants to see a magic trick?"

"Aww mierda, por supuesto, I love magic tricks, I remember when I was a young nino, mi abuelo showed me tons of magic tricks,"

The scarred Spanish speaker grabbed his joint back, and took another drag from it, before passing it back to the magic man.

"but his best one was his disappearing act. One day he said he needed to disappear for a few days and he never came back."

"Right...I'm going to see where we are." She heads out the front door and looks around, using her arm to block out the sun, to see if she recognizes where she is.

Unfortunately, she is unable to find any doors in the perfectly square cavern. There is no sign of sunlight and the room is illuminated solely by the torches on the walls and fire in the center of the room.

Mistah Magyyk Man is delighted to have an audience. "My bean, MY BEAN! Looks like you know what I'm about, Mistah Spanish Man. But I think I can do one better. Now, for my first trick..."
He blows out a ring of smoke and whips out a coin, upon which is engraved the face of acclaimed actor Steve Buscemi. "Will you choose heads... or Tails?"

Jose thinks long and hard, but is unable to make a decision.

"Ah dios mios, how bout I just flip a coin?"

After tossing up a 50 centavos piece, it lands on tails.

"El dios says tails amigo."

The member 'Xenoe' has done the following action : Dice Roll\'d

---

'Coin' : 2

"Good choice hermano! In fact, I prefer that one myself. Now bend over," Mistah Magyyk Man instructs.

"Well that's not good..." She looks up at the ceiling. "I'm pretty sure your watching us right now. What do you want from us?" She asks to the voice from earlier.

The voice responds in a hushed voice.
"Whaaaaaaaaaa, no one's watching you. This is your conscience speaking"

"And I'm not really a bastard. How bout you just tell us what you want from us and let us go already." She crosses her arms and taps her foot impatiently.

There is no further response from the mysterious voice.

"Aight amigo."

Jose walks up to the loincloth man and bends him over.

She walks over to one of the walls and knocks on it to see how thick it is, as well as to determine if it is made of stone.

The wall is much thicker than she is able to determine.
It would be accurate to say that the wall is made of stone.
She also spots, in the middle of each of the walls, small square pieces of wall jutting out.

"Sorry hun, you can't leave 'til the show's ogreover," Mistah Magyyk Man informs her. "And it's only just begun."
He takes a long, hard oaken staff from the wall, twirling it about. He eyes the choice rump presented before him, which is conveniently protected by only a thin loincloth.
"Pay close attention, for you are about to experience MAGYYK."
He levels the staff almost like a spear, his 'skin' brightening as he utters the incantation:
WAN
KAN
CHO
On the last syllable he rams the staff straight up the loincloth man's asshole.

Ignoring the sodomy going on she walks over to the square in the wall and tries to pulls it out, and if that doesn't work push it in.

If you're wondering about the holdup, I'm pausing right now out of courtesy for Vroop/Rob.
I've msg'd him saying if there's no response by morning, then the show will go on without him.

The loincloth man and his STRONG, STURDY LOINCLOTH do not falter at this cowardly attack from behind.

He has memories of his best friend from Chechnya being dragged away to the death camps...by his penis.

He will not suffer that fate. NOT TODAY.

Loincloth man attempts to resist the WAN KAN CHO with only the power of his anus muscles. If successful, he grabs the "A Pimp named Magyyk Man" by the thighs and jumps up toward the ceiling, attempting to smash the man's head.

Attacker:
Staff (3 hit)

Defender:
Unarmored (-1 crit resist)
Bent Over (+1 hit)

4 hit
1crit

The member 'The Lord Kelvin' has done the following action : Dice Roll\'d

---

'normal' :

The staff is shoved straight and true.
As the tip penetrates his butthole, the Russian man cringes as the oak shaft rubs against his rectum walls.

luckily the oak staff was well made, so the edges are smooth; thus no splinters were stuck and no cuts were caused from this anal action.

The Russian man quickly spins around in an attempt to grab the magyk mayne and slam him against the ceiling.

Attacker:
unarmed (4 hit, 1 crit)
reeling from violation of the anus (-1 crit)

Defender:
unarmored (-1 crit resist)

hit 4
crit 1

The member 'The Lord Kelvin' has done the following action : Dice Roll\'d

---

'normal' :

The Russian man grabs the magyk man tightly with strength comparable to that of a bear.
His thick leg muscles visibly contract and expand as he prepares to rocket to the ceiling.
In a split second, the Russian man and the Magyk man fly up to the ceiling.
From the magyk man's point of view, it seems as though the Russian man had hugged him and immediately everything went sharp white and then slightly red.

The magyk man is now suffering from a concussion and is bleeding quite profusely from his forehead.

Ignoring all of this, the woman finds that one of the 4 pieces of wall that's jutting out is able to be pressed flat into the wall although, it seems, to no effect.

(just realized I forgot to flip a coin, but it's too late to retcon, so wayne'll just heal a bit faster)

Jose sees that his new amigo is danger! Oh no!

Jose throws his spear to pin the loinclothman's loincloth to the ground!

Attacker:
spear, thrown (5 hit)

Defender:
unarmored (-1 crit resist)

hit 5
crit 1

The member 'The Lord Kelvin' has done the following action : Dice Roll\'d

---

#1 'normal' :


--------------------------------

#2 'Coin' : 2

The spear flies from the MJ lover's hands and strikes the Russian man right in his powerful thighs, missing his loincloth by mere inches.

She shakes her head. "Guess that was a dud...maybe if we did it all at once? Hey everyone h," As she turns she finally notices what is going on she acts on instinct and tries to create a wall of earth in between the magyk man and the Russian to separate them.

"Ah mierda gringo! Didn't mean to hit you in the pierna."

caster:
in a goddamned cavern full of earth (earth magic crit)
Staff (magic affinity 3)
unarmored (magic affinity 2)

magic affinity 5

The member 'The Lord Kelvin' has done the following action : Dice Roll\'d

---

#1 'normal' :


--------------------------------

#2 'Coin' : 1

(idk why I coin'd there, pretend it didn't happen)

While the Spanish speaker is speaking his native tongue, the earth between the magyk man and the Russian man suddenly shoots up all the way to the ceiling forming a foot-thick wall stretching almost from one end of the cavern to the next, leaving just a little space on either end of the wall to pass through. The force of the wall hitting the ceiling causes the entire cavern to rumble slightly and all the items on the cavern walls fall down.

On one side of the wall is the woman, the magyk man, and the weed smoker while the Russian man is alone on the other side of the wall.
Unfortunately for the weed boiiiii, his words were not heard by anybody.

She looks at the wall, mouth agape slightly. "Wasn't what I expected, but welcomed." She looks between the magyk man and Jose. "Now are we ready to calm down?" She looks toward the side that has the Russian and shouts. "How about you!?! You calm down?!"

"Damn nina, I should introduce you to mi amigo who runs a construction back my home country. You could be making big pesos."

"Right..." She starts shouting again so both parties can hear her. "I'm going to lower this wall, if you two don't start attacking each other again, I'll heal your wounds ok!?"

Mistah Magyyk Man rubs his head as he recovers from the concussion. "NANI SORE?! His magic resistance was quite strong. Perhaps another..."
He looks at the woman. "You! You have magicks too? Show me what you've got!"