Homestuck Forced RPG

Yo dawg, I herd ya like homestuck, so i'ma gm dis sh1t dawg... anyways, if ur interested then make a character introduction like this:

"Your name is JANE. As was previously mentioned, you are poised for an ELITE OPPORTUNITY to test the SBURB ALPHA. It is so elite in fact, you are the only of your kind invited to playtest! Though you guess that probably comes with the territory of being the HEIRESS APPARENT TO A BAKED GOODS EMPIRE. You don't suppose it hurts that you are said empire's NUMBER ONE FANGIRL, either! It should come as no surprise that you enjoy BAKING, but you also adore reading DETECTIVE STORIES. You fancy yourself a SKILLED PRANKSTRESS, if by no other measure than lineage. Though at times you feel it's tough to fill those shoes when you are SURROUNDED BY JOKERS. Seriously, the shenanigans perpetrated by your pals make your old school japes feel KIND OF PEDESTRIAN SOMETIMES, but oh well, you love them all anyway. You once dabbled in AMATEUR BOTANY but found it TOO FRUSTRATING, because your VEGETABLES KEPT DISAP-actually you know what, you DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. You love SITUATION COMEDIES, whilst holding particular affection for MUSTACHIOED FUNNYMEN. You know, your FOXWORTHIES, your FUNKES, your SWANSONS, but not necessarily your GALLAGHERS PER SE, because you have to draw the GAY-MOS line somewhere. You are also pleased to contemplate FRIGHTENING FAUNA, though saddened by their regrettable FAKENESS ATTRIBUTE.

But none of that's on your mind now, because you are PSYCHED about this SPECIAL DATE, 11.11.11, i.e. 2X3PRONG DAY (WHATEVER THAT MEANS), a date exhibiting just the sort of numerical gimmick corporations love to exploit for their big releases, or for launching MAJOR REBRANDING INITIATIVES. In the case of your CHERISHED MULTIGLOBAL EMPIRE, both such events are slated to happen today. You can't wait to see what is in store, and for the mail to come. When it does, you will waste no time in embarking on the game's MAIDEN VOYAGE, and if even a fraction of what you've heard turns out to be true, you are prepared to have the time of your LIFE!!! "

(if you need tips on how to make your introduction, just write something that is like your own description of yourself using your own ego/voice with your own quirks in how you do/say things)

and then post ur first action

Your name is VELUSH. Naturally, as part of the HIGHBORN ORDER, you of course will be entering the "Sburb" competition to dominate and DUNK THOSE RUDELORDS. You are a part of a secret conspiracy seeking to establish a NEW WORLD ORDER, and aren't you oh so PROUD of it. It goes without saying that you are more of a SEER than others when it comes to the DOOMED sociopolitical status of the world. You are a self proclaimed CYBERNETIC GENIUS, and do not hesitate to remind whoever you're with of the fact. Due to this and your 工LLUSTR工OUS H国R工TAG国, you tend to speak in snippets of 1337 and 中文, and tend to make a lot of (occasionally Freudian) jizzslips in the process.
You are into discovering ELDRITCH and MACABRE sights that can be found in both fiction and reality.
Some of your side hobbies (besides the obvious one of 1337 H4XX0RING FTW) include solving MIND BOGGLING puzzles and riddles, MASTER TACTICIANING in strategy games, and enthusiastic ROLE PLAY ACTING. The last one doesn't particularly fit your ENIGMATIC and CALCULATING mindset, but you justify it as practice for when you are called on to infiltrate a foreign society as a SECRET AGENT. And what a SUAVE, MAGNIFICENT BASTARD of an agent you'll be.

For now, the only thing you'll be infilterating(because you love PORTMANTEAUS) is the upcoming Sburb game. You already have it "acquired" from multiple LEGITIMATE sources, but despite your technological expertise you cannot seem to connect to any server...yet.
You'll still figure it out before everyone else does, and TAKE THE INITIATIVE and create the internet And once you do, you'll show them all the indomitable might of your PHALLUS fortified body and devilish MIND.

Velush: Assume direct control over your partnerenvironment.

VELUSH: in order to assume control over your invironment, you first take inventory of what you have in your room, because that's where ever MASTER TACTICIAN starts his journey for world domination. you note the computer, chest of WONDERS, an extremely comfy bed, and voodoo doll of a certain tall, awkward, white friend that you like stabbing whenever he plays TF2, League of Legends, and ESPECIALLY when he plays you in a completely fair match of Crucis Fatal Fake (hmmm I wonder why he always spams, it's as if he's spasming in pain at something), and a bunch of Blizzard Posters on your wall. You realize that you have already assumed control over these items of which you have PROCURED using special METHODS (all of which are completely legitimate and legal... *cough erm... ahem..... yeah........).

Velush: Shake your head at the disgusting spelling mistakes you made in that internal monologue.
>>Go to the kitchen and check if the women are there.

Velush: you notice the kitchen is empty and remember that it is currently 3:00am in the morning. O powerofpoo YOU NEED TO FINISH YOUR COMPSCI HOMEWORK... o right, you almost forgot, you are a second semester senior and you care less than you care about a certain.... um..... you don't wish to reveal this secret to those who may be listening. a MASTER TACTICIAN always has to be cautious, even when thinking in his own mind, you never know who may be listening using CERTAIN METHODS.

Velush: Remember to tell the women to stay in the kitchen.
For now...the opportunity has presented itself. You shall fulfill the duty that destiny has placed before you.
>>Get in the Fridge

Velush: You look around to see if anyone is watching. You never know man, you never know. You prepare your special chest of wonders and take everything out of the fridge, stuffing it all in there. YEAH GET IN THERE RRAAAHHHHH.... *more awkward sound effects until...... OH GOD, THE STICK OF BUTTER.... You remember the encounter in your parents' bedroom... OH GOD, NO DON'T GIVE HER THE STICK, OH GOD, DON'T DO IT, NOOOOOOOOOO I DON'T WANT SIBLINGS, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. "I'm sorry mom, I'm going to have to throw this stick of butter away... I can't give it to my box of wonders..." you crawl into the fridge and close the door...

Velush: Almost cry about your abusive childhood until you realize that you've already reached emotional closure on all of that trauma. Decide that you need more friends to ravish whine to. But for now...it's time to take care of business. Time to do what you came all this way for. You are here for a reason. And that reason is to.....

>>......chill out.

Velush: you black out in the fridge and wake up to find yourself being cooked in a frying pan by your mother

Drat. Didn't expect one of those dastardly time-trials the parents 'cook up' for you so soon.
Heating a frying p4n? Seriously guys? That is not cool at all.
It doesn't make a bit of difference though, the balls are inert.

Velush: Simply and condescendingly YOUTH ROLL right out of the sticky situation, then proceed to dunk mother into submission.

Velush: you successfully youth roll out of the frying pan, just missing the fire, HOORAY! you notice that you have no strife specibus selected. (choose your weapon now (hammerkind, forkkind, slingshot kind, needlekind, glovekind, etc)

Velush has no need of a strife specibus. His 1337 skills allow him to mod anything into a undetected cheat engine to pwn those noob creeps. In his Strife Deck he only keeps BUSINESS CARDS, dealing them out during combat to show the enemy that he MEANS BUSINESS. If he were forced to have one he would choose gunbladekind, mechakind, nukakind, and mattresskind, because those all count as one to him.

>>Exit kitchen, making sure mother stays inside.

Velush: you have set up you strife specibus as "cardkind". you wish you could use gublade, echakind, nukakind, or mattresskind, but that is only your fantasy. as you attempt to exit the kitchen. your mother activates the fondue fountain on top of the door, closing off the one and only entrance to the kitchen (you cannot go through, there will be consequences if you attempt to pass through). your mother signals you to "come at her bro"

Velush: Don't feel like coming.
B1tch, Get in the Fridge.
>>Telekinetically stuff mother into fridge and implode it.

you fail to do any of the actions you are trying to do, because you do not have those abilities. In the time you take to try to do things to your mom with your mind, she smacks you with the frying pan over to the other side of the kitchen. you can feel the hot burning oil frying your face as you get hit.

Velush: Take a kitchen knife and mod the bitstream, turning it into a plasma cutter to slice imploded fridge in half. Smash the window, throw fridge/mom halves out the window, whip out the point recaller you handily prepared a few months ago for such occasions, hit the "bedroom" hotkey to teleport out of the kitchen after grabbing a bottle of powerthirst from the hazardous materials storage cupboard.

you cannot perform any of the specified actions

Perform them anyway

you trip over the kitchen knife into the fondue fountain and get own'd by your mother who throws the fridge onto you and stuffing you in. you become a frozen chocolate...

itsame273 wrote:you cannot perform any of the specified actions

Corenat Rovarnus wrote:Smash the window

Velush: Time to go beyond the impossible, and kick reason to the curb! That's the Team GAYDev-Geass way!
Out of electro wrists spring 2 Doran's Blades, granting millions of artifact grist! Cross arms to centrifuge blades into a double helix.
Maintaining constant increase in energy, begin Tai Chi meditations, concentrating power in the body's inner center, the root chakra located directly above the crotch. Achieve the "Double Sun" level of power in record time, less than 2 minutes.
>>COMBINE WITH THE HOUSE.

Velush: your mother grants your wish and stuffs the fridge in the wall while you are inside it.... nothing significant happens

Velush: That's it. Time to face the true enemy. Infuse the house with the Spiral Energy....TRANSFORM, and perform the vaunted killing move.

Velush: you rock around inside your cage and your mother tells you to shut up while you are trying to scream out TRAAAAAAAAANNNNSSSSFFFFOOOOOOOORRRRMMMMMM... look's like she's had enough... she throws you out the window... you black out... you wake up in your room. Still believing that you defeated your mother, you dance a dance of victory like any MASTER TACTICIAN would. You look out your window, looks like there are some ignorant RUDELORDS waltzing around your yard that require some DUNKING.

Velush: Why did you uncombine? COMBINE WITH THE HOUSE

Velush: you realize that you lack the required energy to combine. it seems that you have spent all your energy DUNKING your mother (although she was the one who dunked you (NO THIS CANNOT BE TRUE, AS A MASTER TACTICIAN, YOU CANNOT BE DEFEATED BY SUCH A LOWLY MONGREL))... hmmm yes, yes, it was an epic battle... looks like the RUDELORDS are escaping... hmmmm very wise.... yeeesssssssss....... live to fight another day i see..... yeeeesssssss...... (you are stroking your chin as you are thinking this)... we shall conclude this epic fight of epic proportions in the future... there i will DUNK you with my 1337 skillz. you notice that you have won 100000000000000000 dollars because you're the 1st to visit some random website...

Velush: Notice that you made the random website and sigh as you pay yourself.
>> Start grinding on low level mobs to train 1337 skillz.

Velush: you notice that you've already hit the level cap and instead decide to DUNK some noobs. around you there are 10 people: a shaggy hobo, a guitarist, some random f4ggot, a self proclaimed f4ggot, some guy in the nude, and 5 people in a party of a 2 supports, 2 ranged dps's, and a tank

Velush: Jungler MIA? This is my chance.
>> Attack the enemy yielding the highest amount of good stuff

Velush: looks like your mother is watching teh pronz again, you are unable to move

Eat some oranges so it's k

Velush: you attempt to eat some oranges in game, but you can't reach into your inventory. you eat some in real life, and the remaining chocolate on your body snaps off, you also feel re-energized

Velush: b1tch I be running linux. Alt-tab and switch to neighbor's wireless network, use Kismet to crack the security.

Velush: you accomplish all this in about 30 seconds

>>Proceed to the b-ball carnage just waiting to happen. (aforementioned actions)

Velush: all these guys are noobs, so you poke them all and they die. the tank took 2 pokes to kill, guess he wasn't a real man. you take all their loot, amount to about 1000 gold. your total is now 90000000001000 gold

>>Use the money to bribe officials into removing the level cap

Velush: the officials simply don't care enough to (in addition, it is also in game money, so it makes no difference to them)

Velush: Figure out how to become even more pro

Velush: you realize it's not possible, you are the definition of pro, as a master tactician it is not possible for anyone to be more pro than you

Velush: Well then figure out how to make mother believe she has been dunked

Velush: Your mother tells you to stop having delusions, or she's going to send you to an asylum

Kill myself

Velush, your mother restrains you, puts you in a straight jacket and sends you to an the local nuthouse along with your computer and your chest of wonders

Eat shrimp fried rice.

Barbie: You are a human girl who goes by the name of Barbie Chee. You enjoy doing ASIAN THINGS like a TRUE ASIAN. In your spare time you drink team like a REAL MAN. If things don't go your way, you just gotta TANK IT. You are for some reason attracted to VROOPY things. You have speech nuances involving prolonged vowels and replacing 'L's with 'R's. You live with your father in an old style Chinese mansion. everyday you get in the BREADLINE to enjoy some state issued SHRIMP FRIED RICE with your comrades. You are doing so now and you notice some HERETICAL CAPITALIST ACTION going on in a dark alleyway (someone's buying coffee (that's not state issued)).

Velush: you awaken from your horrible dream. it seems you dreamed of being of the 'human' race. a disgusting group of noobs who have strange familial relationships. (you are yourself but as a troll now). It seems that as a master tactician you have the ability to control other's minds for short periods of time as well as to read their emotions.

Oh man. Apprehend those blasphemers in the alleyway with some state-issued Jing Nullset Dao!

Now that my real form has been revealed, it's time to truly begin.
Velush: Retrieve arms from chest.

Barbie: before you do so, your father recommends that you equip your strife specibus (recommended: glovekind, bootkind, nunchukukind, trifold-staffkind, knuckle-dusterkind, body-tapekind)

Velush: you retrieve your arms from your chest of wonders... oof what's that smell? it's almost like someone died in here. o right..... you almost forgot that the arms you keep in your chest are the chopped off limbs of your enemies that try to defeat your blue-blooded self. of course, they could never hope to best you.

Velush: Ask surgeon friend to help graft the most useful arms to your body for your use. Make them an offer they can't refuse.

Select the watermelonrindkind strife specibus and apply mother's lipstick to the green side of the rind, making it all red.