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Post by kaede on 2010-11-08, 20:58

Just some amusing crap that is emaled to me from time to time. Feel free to add stuff here.

SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010
Spoiler:

Scenario 1:
Kelvin goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Kelvin's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Kelvin.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Kelvin hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.



Scenario 2:
Amos and Wayne get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Wayne wins. Amos and Wayne shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Amos and Wayne. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Amos started it.

Scenario 3:
Sandow will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Sandow sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Sandow is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Sandowhas a disability.

Scenario 4:
Larry breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Larry is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Larry's dad is arrested for child abuse. Larry is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Larry's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Larrys's mom has an affair with the psychologist.



Scenario 5:
Brian gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school..
1957 - Brian shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - The police are called and Brian is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7:
Wayne takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Wayne is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Wayne's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Michael falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee He is found crying by his teacher, Nina. Nina hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Michael feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Nina is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Michael undergoes 5 years of therapy.

How stupid we have become!!

BLACK ROBBERS (A True Story)
Spoiler:

For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this(And remember it's a true story...):

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.' Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!

Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her.

'Take my money and spare me', she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they where afraid she might not make it down the corridor.

At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear the m roaring with laughter as the y walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself toge the r and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.

"Jesus Knows You're Here"

Spoiler:

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight
off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more,
after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so
he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard
'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


Last edited by Nina on 2010-11-08, 22:51; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : For the lulz changed names around in the first one.)
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Post by nullset12 on 2010-11-08, 21:42

I like the first one the best - love how you swapped in names
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Post by kaede on 2010-11-08, 21:45

no i didnt sawp any names thats how they where emaled to me.

im guessing my friend who sent the first one has been on here using my profile because he likes the servant battles we have.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2010-11-08, 22:19

why is there no Michael but there is a Wayne? goddammit i hate the '50s, michael was a black name or something back then, Problem anti-racists?. You realize that in 1957 I wouldn't HAVE computers to confiscate....

Otherwise I lol'd. Of course in the present I probably would've burned a house down or done a car bombing instead, more bang for the punishment.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2010-11-08, 22:21

o wow... first one's a bit extreme but actually does represent our modern situation fairly well..... lol'd at the second one, third one's kinda amusing, but not as much as the first or second
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Post by ZedSlayer on 2010-11-08, 22:22

I lol'd at them all

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Post by kaede on 2010-11-08, 22:53

For added laughs I changed the basic names in the first one to our names but left pedro as is because I dont know anyone here who is spanish. if you guys want change it around again.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2010-11-08, 23:03

HECTOR!!!!!
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Post by Xenoe on 2010-11-09, 15:53

Thats greek/ latin
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Post by M. Ainsel on 2010-11-09, 17:30

Wow, the 1957 compared to Now one is the best. Its so true, nowadays the system has to bend over backwards because Government has expanded to an unhealthy degree in our country. And the Ritalin one is just too true to be funny.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2010-11-10, 03:09

Hey, I'm short! That's a disability, I can't reach the top shelves in the supermarket! How am I going to make a living? The government should subsidize MY cost of living too! Problem Taxpayers?
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Post by kaede on 2010-11-10, 11:53

Drink more milk youll get taller.

Besides ,as far as I know, midgets dont get money from the goverment for being short so why should you?

Besides if you really want to get taller use this:
Random amusing spam. 10-medieval-torture-devices8
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