Homestuck Forced RPG

Velush: your surgeon friend responds by saying that the most useful arms are already equipped on your body. You of course, end up killing your surgeon friend for giving such an insolent response, as well as for the uncapitalized 'Y' at the beginning of this response.

Barbie: You make it all red (letting a single tear run down your face as you remember your mother's untimely death), eat the insides, carve a face on it, and stick it on your head. The blasphemers run as you approach them. The one buying the coffee was not so lucky though: you land a hook on his neck, jab his ribs, leap into the air and perform a backfist, and end with a chambered punch, sending your opponent crashing into the state issued dumpster. Wow, what a badass you turned out to be. your father trained you himself! Oh no! It seems that your father wants to have a lesson with you now. It seems he is very disapoint that you let those other guys escape.

Velush: Make note to self to find a better surgeon friend.
>>Take a stroll around the respiteblock cluster.

Velush: you are ambushed by your tank lusus on your way there. get ready for a strife brah!!! time to show your power like a MASTER TACTICIAN (choose your strife specibus).

Approach father with great reverence. Hope he does not strike me with bamboo stick.

Velush: Time to whip out the new and improved Strife Deck.
Your specibus is the EVersatile Appliancekind, carrying all of the top 10 General Trollectric approved brands!
>>Make a strong opening move with the Pack and Checker™ Battle Toaster.

Barbie: Your father says that you are growing up so fast and that it is time to take things up a notch. He lets a single tear fall down his face (tear of joy because of how proud he is of you) before quickly taking out his metal pole and brutally assaulting you.

Velush: Your toasters fling out SCORCHING HOT pieces of toast at your lusus. Your lusus simply TANKS IT as the pieces of toast melt through the front plate; then it decides to fire a shell at you.

Do a barrel roll out of the way and place down a ROXOR Tactical Tea Kettle. Enemy attacks are inhibited until the tea is ready, because getting your daily dose of Jasmine is just THAT IMPORTANT.
>> Chide lusus on using turtle skeletons as a projectile weapon.

Cease further movement until fully recovered.

Velush: You successfully dodge the attack, but you end up spilling your hot tea on your crotch... OUCH! You throw turtle skeletons at the lusus, but to no effect. The tank shoots another shot.

Barbie: Your father stops midswing and says that he is disapoint. He walks away and you are left without a scratch. As he walks away he also mentions to meet him in the living room when you are ready.

Velush: Curses, I must acquire more powerups in super merrio cart.
Attempt to set down another ROXOR Tactical Tea Kettle.
Scan the terrain for anything that could be advantageous with EYE OF THE BIND, a special ability that MASTER TACTICIANS have as a matter of course.

...WISELY meet father in the living room.

Velush: You successfully dodge again, but you spill the tea on the floor you're walking on and trip. You use eye of the bind and successfully see what any living thing around you sees. Unfortunately the only living thing around you at the moment is your lusus, and you see a morbid image of a targetting rectile on yourself as it prepares to fire.

Barbie: You meet your father, ready to dish out some punishment with his trusty ruler, in the living room. He tells you to hold out your hand.

Velush: Yes grather, I see the pathway to career success now.
Place large mirror behind self. Prepare to TANK THE SHOT. Switch over the Menwood Anti Tank Egg Beater to the quick draw slot, prepare to shoot down lusus' weapon barrel as it opens fire.

Hand him fake hand instead.

Velush: You do not manage to shoot down the lusus' weapon barrel, but you do manage to deflect the tank shot. In the process you are knocked back and you break the mirror. (oh noez!!! dat bad luck).

Barbie: Your father smacks that hand and says "OOOOOOOO VERY WISE!!! but that is not why you are here today." He then demands that you hold out your hand once more.

Velush: Perform the same maneuver, except this time put a sleep number mattress instead of a mirror behind self.

Velush: the tank shoots you again, you deflect the shot again, you are bounced against the matress and you are sent flying twards the tank which this time switches it's primary weapon to its trusty flamethrower

Apply lotion to hand, to soothe pain, then hold it out.

Velush: As a MASTER TACTICIAN you have prepared for this exact scenario.
To protect yourself from being licked by lusty flames, you pull out your trusty spray can containing compressed flaming retard. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Guess it can't be helped.

Barbie: Your father washes off the lotion WITH STATE ISSUED SOAP and beats your hand senseless with his ruler. He then puts his hand upon your shoulder... deeply sighs.... and says in a solemn tone: "Barbie... remember this pain, for it signifies the pain of the truth... one day you will find the truth... BULGING..... DANGLING in front of your face... you will have to accept it.... ACCEPT THE TRUTH..."

Velush: The can of somehow aquired human shaving cream is thrown into the flamethrower, making it spew out smoke instead. Your lusus drives into you like a wild boar (if only you knew what that was (cuz ur a troll lololol))

Accept the truth...WISELY.

Velush: Jump on top and start spamming the Anti Tank Egg Beater on every potential weak point on the body. Then beat chest with 3 arms while releasing a tribal gorilla scream meant to infuriate. The butthurt is strong with this one.
Ask wisely: "Trollbi-Wan never told you what happened to your father, did he?"

Barbie: You close your eyes and start meditating, trying to accept the truth. your father smacks you on the head saying ".... ARE YOU AN IDIOT?"

Velush: You spam to your last eggbeater in your inventory, and find that the you can't judge the distance the tank is at due to the smoke. You throw them all at random distances, but find that the tank already has you cornered from the side. Your lusus rotates its main cannon as if shaking its head and looks like it is disappoint. Damn, it looks like you need to work harder on being a MASTER TACTICIAN if you want to reach your dream.

Respond with, "NO! I AM SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAcus! I WILL FREE MY PEOPLE."

Grab the truth with both hands and TEAR IT APART.

Velush: Capitulate and Genuflect

Barbie: Your father grounds you, and goes to seek out the secret police due to your unsocialistic remark of wanting to "free your people". You are now locked in your room, which has a computer, your state issued bed, and your state issued safe. Your computer contains one unique piece of software, a G-Chum chat client with a single friend on it. It seems that despite your efforts to delete this capitalist piece of software, you are unable to do so.

Velush: Your lusus treads away, leaving you to your devices. You feel hungry.

Open the G-Chum chat client. Inject random characters repeatedly towards anyone on my contacts list that will respond.

Velush: In a ghetto mood today. Eat the pieces of toast strewn across the battlefield fired earlier.

Barbie: You do so (if Kooay picks up, you guys can just have a conversation with your posts until something happens, or the conversation ends)

Velush: As you eat your battle ready toast, you see on the left panel of your MATERFULLY modded glasses that G-Troll has alerted you of a new message:

BBLaw has entered the chatroom
BBLaw: saieojfocuisarjdfl
BBLaw: liwiremf
BBLaw: asfdcoiasejldf
BBLaw: herro?

VLBrit: wwhat c0uld you pos5ibly r国quir国, n00b.
VLBrit: I have tactics to master.

BBLaw: aweofijasdjfsif
BBLaw: owoidffdoiiofjwiefioweo
BBLaw: dunnowhattisodjfijsthisisfojwijioefjoiajweffor
BBLaw: saoidfjioajwefjaweiofowowowowowowalsdfjlkdsjfsdf

VLBrit: Mmm...
VLBrit: yeeessss
VLBrit: oh...yyyeeesssa

a mutual challenge to a game of thrones trollscraft is sent to each of your computers. you must both accept to play.

Commence the game of crones.

I accept that my skills are superior

you are both to select a race:
f4ggot
duhpopo
lannister

Velush: Seems legit. Pick lannister.

Select 'duhpopo'. Acquire police car and firearms.

Velush: you start off with 1k gold and have the physical limitations of being fat and slow.

Barbie: you start off with a nighstick, a shootable taser with 3 charges, and a police bicycle.

You both spawn in a town called "New Tristham"... it seems to be a typical rpg town with a run down feel to it.
An NPC walks up to you and says you must clear the den of evil... be sure to prepare yourselves in town before the fight.

Abuse authority and make the NPC my henchman, beating him with nightstick if necessary to ensure he complies.

Velush: As a MASTER TACTICIAN I NEED this handicap, so I can show my awesome power without completely destroying everything with my GENIUS....time to put my 1337 skills at gaming to the test....
>>Open up Trollian Cheat Engine and attach it to the process. Find hex addresses for character's in game statistics and min-max them.

the game crashes for both of you. Sburb starts installing on your computers magically. Velush becomes Barbie's server player.

Velush: WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!??! It's OBVIOUSLY a virus, request Security Suite to quarantine the files.

Security Suite uninstalls itself as if bowing down in the presence of sburb

Velush: I knew this would happen someday. Claim Antivirus Insurance policy.

As you pick up the phone to contact the creators, you realize you made it yourself

Velush: NO! NOT AGAIN!!

Assume Direct Control of Barbie's Client.

You attempt to do so, but it seems that it just isn't possible

Velush: Troll around with sburb, get Barbie to connect or whatever

Barbie has already been connected