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Chocolate Destiny: The BROad to BROkeback Mountain

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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-15, 12:44

In the middle of his singing, Jorah suddenly shouts out
"I AM SPAGHETTIBORN! YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME, YOU SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS!"
before resuming his song and waving his spaghettiborn arms in every direction.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-15, 13:05

Out of the corner of his vision, Gray glimpses something small and white on the stone floor to his left. He brings the match over to see that it's just a toe bone.
And the toe bone's connected to the- foot bone,
the foot bone's connected to the- heel bone,
the heel bone's connected to the-
WAIT A SECOND.

No, it can't be, Gray thinks as he fearfully moves the match down the floor to reveal that it's- it's-
IT'S A SPOOKY SKELETON!!!
▒▒▒░░░░░░░░░░▄▐░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
▒░░░░░░▄▄▄░░▄██▄░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░▐▀█▀▌░░░░▀█▄░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░▐█▄█▌░░░░░░▀█▄AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░▀▄▀░░░▄▄▄▄▄▀▀AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░▄▄▄██▀▀▀▀░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░█▀▄▄▄█░▀▀░░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░▌░▄▄▄▐▌▀▀▀░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░▄░▐░░░▄▄░█░▀▀░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░▀█▌░░░▄░▀█▀░▀░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░░▄▄▐▌▄▄░░░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░░▀███▀█░▄░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░▐▌▀▄▀▄▀▐▄░░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░▐▀░░░░░░▐▌░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░░█░░░░░░░░█░░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
░░░░░░▐▌░░░░░░░░░█░  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-15, 13:31

Out of cowardly reflex Gray brings out his saber and cuts at the skeleton furiously.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-15, 15:29

Jorah focuses his spaghetti arms in the direction of the spooky skeleton.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-15, 18:59

Gray swings and slashes with furious fear, but it looks like the skeleton took its calcium today, because his strikes do 0 fucking dmg.
Jorah channels his spaghetti powers but due to awkward positioning only ends up giving Gray a spaghetti back massage.

The skeleton continues to lie there undamaged in its spookiness.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-16, 06:34

Jorah performs a spin move and flanks to the side so that he doesn't keep hitting Gray with his newfound powers.

Jorah then continues directing his spaghetti powers at the skeleton (different gif).
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-16, 10:50

By their powers combined, the spaghettiborn and Gray's flailing manage to rearrange dem bones enough that their spookiness is reduced.
But Gray's match is almost spent and he is forced to extinguish it before his hand gets burnt, leaving them in the darkness once again.
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-16, 22:47

Gray lights another match to see where the wind is blowing from the flame, and then uses his pathfinding to attempt to map out the cavern structure.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-17, 12:02

He strikes the match, and stands with his back to the corridor, because obviously there's going to be a current from there. The flame still twists, indicating the existence of another exit in the pyramid, or at least some kind of air vent.
The chamber they are in is square, with a moderately high ceiling. An open doorway is at the far end, so that light in the distance is at least one room over.

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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-17, 14:29

Realizing the vastness of area he would need to cover, it would be futile to do so in darkness.

Gray backs out of the cave and carves out a thick tree branch from a nearby tree. He then tears a strip of cloth from Noire's dress and wraps it several times around the branch before tucking it in like a little ball. He repeats four times to create several spares, and then lights one of his crude torches and heads back inside to get a good look at the inside.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-21, 11:54

Gray finds that the smooth stone he and Jorah stand upon takes up only a narrow horizontal strip at their end of the chamber. The rest of the floor is taken up by the blue and yellow tiles which are arranged in a checkerboard pattern. He walks back and forth on the strip, finding the left and right walls each have a rectangular doorway in their center, but unlike the far side these are completely closed off by stone slabs.

Upon the walls themselves are scrawled faded images of red skinned men performing various tasks along with fancy scripture. From his fifteen years of noble upbringing Jorah can identify the scripture as a dialect of Old Jaquimish, but as he preferred to focus on his music lessons instead he has no idea what it means. Among the various tasks depicted are men picking up yellow circles and throwing them at each other, holding weighing scales upside down, prostrating their bare asses to something that looks like a lion, grasping their heads with both hands and making a disturbed expression, peeing into large vases, and other unsavory activities.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-21, 19:46

"man, deez Jaquimish paintings b weird"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-22, 00:25

Gray is thoroughly creeped out, but he maintains his composure.

"What in the world...?"

He takes a torch to the paintings and the stone slabs to the side to see if there is any reaction.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-22, 10:16

The paintings react by looking much creepier, as the increased light reveals individual teeth and other unsettling details.
Gray finds he cannot bring a torch closer to the side doorway slabs without stepping onto the tiles, some of which bear dried bloodstains. Maybe if his arms were longer...


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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-22, 19:11

"need some help there bruh? I can use my spaghetti powers to stretch out mah arms!"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-22, 23:59

"I think we should come back with more help, this is just too dangerous for the two of us," Gray eyes the bloodstains, and slowly pulls out of the pyramid. Still, unwilling to give up the chance of treasure Gray marks the area of the map where the pyramids lie.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-23, 20:34

Jorah follows Gray
"Ye, too spooky fo me"
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-24, 11:34

Completely spooked out, Jorah and Gray make a tactical retreat outside. The skeleton is left behind, a reminder that dem bones will lie in the pyramid forever. They emerge into the fading sunlight, where the wagon is waiting in the clearing with its horse, now somewhat restless.
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-24, 21:09

Gray pulls out his map and starts towards the poorest sounding town nearby.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-28, 15:34

The forest they are in is not charted very well on the map, in fact it doesn't even show the path they had traveled on. But with his topographic expertise Gray estimates where the paths would be, and marks the pyramid's relative location...in his mind, as he has no proper writing implements. In doing so he notices a settlement by the name of Milagre due northwest of the forest edge.

The sun has set by the time Gray's caravan cuts its way out of the woods. They reach Milagre, a small hamlet of fewer than fifty buildings, most of which are dark. As they roll into town, a few elderly men and women approach carrying makeshift torches.
"Noble sirs, have you brought us supplies?" an old woman creaks. "We were robbed by bandits yesterday, and have not enough to last us to next harvest."
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-09-29, 14:37

Gray shakes his head.

"We are but weary travelers ourselves, with only enough to barely survive as is. However, we seem to have found some treasures, and would like to hire a lad or few to help us excavate them. I'm sure there will be other travelers willing to sell you supplies if you had the money."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-29, 14:51

The elders don't seem to have a cohesive voice, but Gray filters out the less pertinent ones.
"Most of our lads were killed or crippled when the robbers struck."
"Treasures? What kinda treasures?"
"Where did you fellers come from anyway? Nothing behind ya but miles and miles o' woods."
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-29, 22:44

"idunno, mayne, there was liek a crypt place, and liek spooky scary skeletons, and liek, spaghetti arms. Liek... I. Can't. Even."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-09-30, 00:59

The old woman ruffles Jorah's unruly hair. "You poor thing. It sounds like a very dangerous place."
A cantankerous old codger pipes up. "A crypt? With skeletons? You boys had better not be disturbin' the dead in their holy resting place."
"Yah, I'd rather starve than provoke the wrath o' the ancestors!" They shiver.
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-09-30, 05:55

"Izk, guise. We left when we saw the skeleton. itwuz 2spooky4us. We didn't touch anything cuz den we mite've ended up as skelemanz."
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-01, 22:10

"No no no, there aren't any dead people. It wasn't it a crypt, just some old building with a lot of worthwhile stuff, I think it was an ancient treasury or something. It doesn't necessarily have to be young men either, older men or anybody with a bit of strength in them is enough." Gray bluntly lies from the bottom of his heart.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-01, 22:13

"No dead people? Your buddy just said there was a skeleton!"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-01, 22:17

"He's describing the architecture, its very bare bones so to speak, clearly very ancient, but the first room we found was rife with artefacts."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-01, 22:21

"Bah, you're full of it." The old codger leaves, but the remaining are still curious.
"What kind of artefacts? Were they magical?"


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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-01, 22:25

"Well, I'm no magician but... I am an expert in archaeology."

Gray takes out the troll tooth dagger.

"This is one of the artefacts we could carry by ourselves, and if my eye does not fail me it is a remnant from the ancient Gaellian civilization. Even a simple piece like this is worth hundreds of rooks to a collector."
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-10-01, 22:33

Jorah waves his arms like spaghetti at the troll tooth dagger as Gray presents it while making an "ooooooo" sound.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-02, 11:00

The duo's theatrical presentation of the renowned trolltooth dagger generates much chatter among the oldsters.
"He's an expert in arky-whatsit?" "Archaeology, dear. It's one of those new sciences, where they study old things instead of just selling them."
"Oh, like us?" "Harold!"

"Gayylien?" one of them mispronounces, his mouth showing half the normal amount of teeth. "Never heard o' them before."

"Holy Toledo, hundreds of rooks? But where will we find a collector?"
"That's easy, I'm a collector and I'm right here!"
"Pancho, we all know you're broke, if you had any money you should be spending it on food."
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-02, 11:05

"I know some collectors back in the city, now if anybody is interested they should come with us. We pay a living wage."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-02, 12:08

"Why don't you just sell the dagger then? A few hundred rooks will keep us all going a month or more if we're careful with spending."

"Sounds good, but do you provide...free dental?" the one with missing teeth asks.
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-04, 11:51

"I was in such a hurry to get some help that I had no time to sell the dagger" Gray says, "but I have enough to pay you a wage anyways. Oh, and i'm sorry that we don't have dental, only health."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-04, 22:31

In the end, Gray gets four volunteers for his "mission":
  • Lesly, the man with the missing teeth. Upon closer inspection he is found to be middle aged rather than elderly.
  • Harold, an absentminded man with short cropped white beard and head hair.
  • Phyllis, Harold's wife.
  • Sandow, an eleven year old boy whose parents are nowhere to be seen.
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-04, 23:14

"I'll purchase a wheelbarrow too if anybody has one.

After purchasing the wheelbarrow, or not, Gray sets out with his new workers in tow towards the spooky place.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-05, 08:54

Gray finds most people are sleeping or otherwise unresponsive to his request. Fortunately, one of his volunteers is sensitive to his needs.
"Hay guise," Sandow pipes up in a high pitched, irritating voice, "Did you know there is a way to get whatever you want for free? Yeah, it's called STEALING!"
"Now just hold on a minute-" Phyllis begins, but Sandow has already run off. A few minutes later he returns with a creaky wooden wheelbarrow.
"Oh Sandy, you little rascal," Harold says shaking his head.
"The ends justify the means, and the workers are the means...of production!"

Suddenly the wind picks up, flapping the cover of the wagon. A red blur streaks by overhead. Just as suddenly it is gone, as is the wind.
"What was that?"
"It...it was a sign from God..." the villagers make holy gestures across their chests. "But what could it mean?"

Gray is not overly concerned about interpreting God's will, and so with a bit of nudging the caravan sets off from Milagre. The blue shine of the moons is obscured by clouds. Around ten minutes later they reach the edge of the woods, where some of the volunteers begin to have misgivings.
"Uh, you know there are werewolves in this forest?" Lezly asks. "Are you sure we shouldn't wait until daylight?"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-05, 17:09

"Hmm perhaps we should, lets camp and wait until morning then."
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-10-05, 18:22

"sounds gud, mayne"
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Chocolate Destiny: The BROad to BROkeback Mountain - Page 5 Empty You can't see them

Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-09, 20:29

The villagers are in accord, and so camp is set up at the edge of the woods. Jorah and Gray do not have the most restful of slumbers, as they are half-woken more than once from hearing a faint rustling in the forest brush. Ultimately nothing actually happens.
Now, the night's time is up, and the sun's time is now. The dawn has arrived...

The party gets up and starts its trek into the trees.
"So, what's the wheelbarrow for?" Phyllis asks, while Sandow noisily pushes along the device in question. "Looks like there's plenty o' space in that wagon of yours."
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-10-11, 15:53

"unfortunately, we aren't able to get the wagon into the structure, so we'll be relying on a wheelbarrow to cart things around."
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-12, 11:09

"Very smart to consider that," Phyllis says.
"Yeah, we're GENIUSES," Sandow says. Along the way he hums an assortment of strange tunes, using his tongue to accentuate them. He declares them "metal as fuck", and is promptly scolded by the elderly couple for swearing.

The group reaches the clearing. "Ohhhhh, very spooky," Harold remarks upon seeing the pyramid.
"Ha ha, it's just a triangular prism," Sandow scoffs, "nothing to be scared of. Do you guys even know what triangular prism means?"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-12, 19:36

"Lets go inside then," Gray smiles, lighting one of his torches and handing another to Jorah, "treasure awaits us." Gray makes sure to walk behind the villagers when entering.
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Chocolate Destiny: The BROad to BROkeback Mountain - Page 5 Empty you freaking nooblord

Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-12, 21:05

"Ha! Didn't think so, what a noob." Sandow laughs at Gray's ignorance.
The party proceeds into the entrance corridor, but soon Lezly stops, holding up everyone behind him. "Oh gee, uh, it's pretty dark in here. Can we get some torches too?"
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-13, 08:31

"Can't you see from the light of mine? Don't worry you just need to be able to make out where you need to put your foot down anyways, its completely safe." Gray tries to hold his torch slightly higher.
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Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-13, 09:52

"Oh, I suppose its alright then." Gray holds his torch high, illuminating the scalps of the four villagers and Jorah ahead of him.
They reach the larger chamber.
All of a sudden foremost villager's head dips down. "Whoaaaa! Watch out guys-"
*snikt* *snikt*
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Lezly's scream is decidedly unmanly. He falls forward onto the tiles.
"Lezly!" The villagers stop and enter a confused state.
*snikt* *snikt* *snikt* *snikt*... Several simultaneous mechanical noises accompany the sound of flesh being rended.
"MMMMMMHHHHHH!!!!"
"Oh my god, the blood!" "What's going on?"
"Lezly fell over!" "Well, we need to pick him up then!"
"This is INSANE!" Sandow exclaims, like it is a good thing.
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Post by Xenoe on 2015-10-13, 10:00

"No need to worry, he probably just tripped," Gray lowers his torch slightly to mask the truth.
"Pick him up and lets keep going."
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Post by The Lord Kelvin on 2015-10-13, 10:27

Jorah slinks to the back of the group with Gray.
"Don't worry guys, I know just the tune to cheer you up."
[Starts singing Law the First: Energy is Conserved]
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Chocolate Destiny: The BROad to BROkeback Mountain - Page 5 Empty Ten minutes into pyramid and chill and he gives you this look

Post by Corenat Rovarnus on 2015-10-14, 13:57

Gray finds his precautionary measure a bit unnecessary, as he along with the other rear villagers are not quite sure what the truth is.
Jorah's uplifting song though reassures everyone that everything is going according to plan. At least, everyone who is still capable of hearing him.
"But...the blood..." Phyllis wails.
"You heard the boss man," Harold says. "Pick Lezly up and let's get going."
"Okay." Phyllis steps onto the tiles and extricates Lezly's body.
*snikt* "AHHHH!!"
A long black spike has pierced through her foot from the floor.
"Oh god, oh god! I'm hurt! Harold, help me!"
Harold shakes his head, staying right where he is.
"H-Harold?"
"No, Phyllis. I can't take it any longer. I'M TIRED OF HIDING THE PAIN!" Harold roars. "Every single day I spend with you is like ripping a new hole in my heart and my asshole! What you're experiencing now is only a tiny fraction of what I've been feeling for the past three decades!"

"But why, honey? What have I ever done to you?"
Harold's face contorts with rage.
"Don't 'honey' me! What have you ever done to me? Oh I'll tell you, I'll tell you all of it.
You strut into my workplace like you own it, then tell my colleagues all my deepest secrets and bad habits.
You break my furniture and use my things without my permission.
Year after year you dress me up in those holiday sweaters that look awful and make my skin all itchy, force me to make dinner for myself and then insult my cooking.
You tried all those stupid "health tricks" to ease my back pain that only made it hurt even more, and worst of all, you ALWAYS cheat in poker. ALWAYS!!!"

Phyllis is getting stained with blood, both Lezly's and her own.
"Harold please, you're taking this sore loser thing way too far. Is it too much to admit that you're simply no good-"
"Don't think I haven't caught you slipping those aces out of your sleeve, woman! Did you think you could distract me with your talk about how you liked those other men better?
And it's not just in poker, but in other card games too, even chess, anything with my money on the line, you greedy whore.
You cheat in these games just like you cheated on me all those years ago, and frankly this cheating is even worse!"
Do you know how hard it is for me to put a smile on my face every morning, to look good for the neighbors?
But I did it, I endured it, for thirty years no less! And now I'm done. I can finally move on with my life.
I...I don't need you anymore!"

"What-what do you mean?"
"What do you think it means? I've been having an affair, Phyllis!" Harold blurts out.
Tears of outrage streak down his wife's cheeks.
"You can't be serious! With who? What kind of hussy would want to be with an old fart like you?"
"I'll have you know her name is Agnes, and she's a werewolf! They don't judge a man by his age in the forest."
"Oh Harold, you...you wretch!" Phyllis sobs with clenched fists. "How could you do this to me! I'm your wife! I always have been!"
"No, you never were." Harold crosses his arms sternly.
"You can't just leave me here!"
"No, I suppose I can't. You need to be punished after all." Harold makes a thoughtful expression. "You know, sometimes I would get so angry inside I wished I could just hammer iron nails into you, one by one."
He looks over Lezly and the bloodstained tiles. "This isn't quite the same, but it'll have to do."
Harold runs up and gives Phyllis a hard shove onto the tiled floor.
"NOOOOOO!!!!"
*snikt* *snikt* *snikt* *snikt*
She falls forward, and sure enough more black spikes shoot up through her body and giving Lezly another free piercing.
Phyllis coughs blood, shudders, then lies still.
Harold turns back to the rest, making a new smile. Is it yet another forced grin, or the first moment of genuine happiness he has had in years?

Only Harold knows for sure.
"Well, this trip has already been worth my while. I'm going to go take a piss."
He brushes past Gray, Jorah, and Sandow and exits the pyramid.
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